Fawning & Missing Out On a Mexican Meal

It was a seemingly insignificant moment in January, but it rattled me with shame and confusion. It was also the event that convinced me I needed to read Ingrid Clayton’s book Fawning: Why the Need to Please Makes us Lose Ourselves and How to Find our Way Back.

A trusted soul had recommended the book last year when it came out and a dear client had picked it up and was raving about it. I had even started recommending it to others which broke my cardinal rule of endorsing a book I had not yet read.

I’d known about the fawn response for several years and how confusing it is for survivors of all kinds of abuse, I just didn’t think I did it anymore.

Out of contact with toxic family members for over a decade I saw myself as a direct and upfront person. I have people in my life regularly reflect to me how honest and brave I am. And yet, on a Sunday evening when a man asked me if I was still good with heading to the brewery we had planned on, I said yes when I really wanted something different.

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Covert Childhood Sexual Abuse (Part 3)

Before I say anything, I want to first acknowledge the weight and history of the word enslavement. It carries such historical significant for the Black experience and even in my own mind surfaces images of Cynthia Erivo’s movie poster for Harriet (2019) and the photo of slaves picking cotton in Lecrae’s bold twitter post on July 4, 2016 that cost him favor with white evangelicals.

My heart in using the word enslavement when talking about covert childhood sexual abuse within families is NOT to decenter the important images paramount in American history, but to widen the lens to include any instance a child’s body is dehumanized through compulsory physical labor and bodily control. Our failure to widen the lens of child abuse to include what can happen in any family, regardless of race, is at least partially responsible for so many Americans feeling outside the reach of social justice movements.

According to Merriam-Webster, the definition of enslavement broadly refers to forcing someone into bondage, completely depriving them of liberty, and subjecting them to the absolute authority and will of another person. Unfortunately, this intense word accurately describes the childhood of many people who grew up with abusive caregivers.

This is my final article in a three-part series on covert childhood sexual abuse. In this article, I build on the definition of childhood sexual abuse and the ways in which it exists in two covert forms.

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Join me this Friday, July 24th at 11am MST for an important conversation with author Marissa Burt, coauthor of The Myth of Good Christian Parenting: How False Promises Betrayed a Generation of Evangelical Families.

We’ll discuss how the use of spanking intersects the terrain of childhood sexual abuse.

Covert Childhood Sexual Abuse (Part 2)

This is part two in a three-part series on covert childhood sexual abuse. In this article, I build on last week’s post that covered the definitions of childhood sexual abuse and the ways in which it exists in covert forms.

Covert childhood sexual abuse occurs when a parent takes emotional and psychological pleasure from a form of intimacy with their child that is not centered on the child’s needs. Many examples of this type of abuse can be categorized as either enmeshment or enslavement. In this post I’m diving into the concept of enmeshment and next week we’ll look at forms of enslavement.

Enmeshment: parental domination of a child’s emotional and relational energy

Enslavement: parental domination of a child’s body

This series culminates with a substack live event on Friday July 24th at 11am MST with author Marissa Burt, coauthor of The Myth of Good Christian Parenting: How False Promises Betrayed a Generation of Evangelical Families. We’ll discuss how the use of spanking intersects the terrain of childhood sexual abuse.

Continue reading the free post here!

Save the date! Live substack hour with Marissa Burt on Friday July 24th @ 11am MST!

Covert Childhood Sexual Abuse (Part 1)

In the six months I’ve been writing on substack, this is the topic I feel the most called to speak about and the one I have most dreaded diving into. Everything I have written about childhood trauma is the scaffolding for this topic. I’d hoped it would feel more natural and gentle by now, but it doesn’t. I don’t expect discussing how large the umbrella of childhood sexual abuse really is will feel rewarding but I know it is important. This three part series is not for everyone, but there are more of us for whom this is relevant than we want to admit.

All of us have at least a beginning concept of what qualifies as childhood sexual abuse.

Dr. Dan Allender defines it as any contact or interaction—whether visual, verbal, or psychological—in which a vulnerable person (such as a child or adolescent) is used for the sexual stimulation or gratification of an older, stronger, or more influential person. This includes any touching, rubbing, or exposure to pornography meant for the offender's pleasure and is possible because of a fundamental betrayal of trust and misuse of authority to groom or coerce a victim.

This is what I refer to as OVERT sexual abuse. It’s something you could capture on camera. It involves physical contact and is clearly violating even if the beginning stages of grooming are hazy. The heartbreaking reality is that this is only part of what qualifies as childhood sexual abuse. There are many other categories of COVERT childhood sexual abuse that leave survivors battling the same emotions and symptoms but without the clarity of why.

Continue reading the free post here!

Save the date! Live substack hour with Marissa Burt on Friday July 24th @ 11am MST!