Power Imbalances Between Parents & Children

Below is an excerpt from my second article on power in families out today on Substack. Read the full article for free here!

Healthy parents do not have a need for their child either to stay dependent and helpless, or to be completely self-reliant (p. 43). Instead, they can share power—a concept we embrace in the face of race and gender inequity but rarely consider in the power differential between caregivers and their children.

“Sharing power is more difficult than exercising power.” Althea Horner

Sharing power requires an attitude of trust and safety. Sharing power never comes with a sense of humiliation or defeat, especially when we need to relinquish it out of wisdom or have to bear not having it in the face of suffering. A child’s first sense of his or her own power comes largely from sharing the power of the primary caretaker to whom it is emotionally bonded (p. 30, 33-34).

Intrinsic Power

The first article of my new substack series is out! A few meaningful excerpts are below. Read the full article here and subscribe to receive new posts directly from substack!

Intrinsic power can be best described in terms of I am, I can, and I will.

• “I am” means I have an identity.

• “I can” refers to a sense of mastery.

• “I will” signals intentionality.

The intersection of both making our own choices and powerlessness over the choices of others is where so much of life (and suffering) happens. And in spiritual spaces it gets even more confusing because we have been taught that handing over power in our lives is what God is calling us to do in every life situation.

Kids grow into their intrinsic power in a thousand every day ways. Between the ages of two and six, it looks like saying no to a million different things and seeing what happens next. It’s developing preferences for food, play, people and our appearance. It’s discovering their favorite books, shows and music through wide exposure. It’s finding out what makes their body feel good in terms of touch with people and objects, how they receive comfort and what helps them relax. It’s learning how they delight the people they love and the ways they impact their connection with them. All of this happens through their bodies!

Kids having agency and autonomy over their bodies—within the limits of SAFETY and WELLNESS—is how they discover who they are in the world.

Power & Tyranny in "Good Families"

March & April Overview Now Available on Substack!

Over the next two months, we’re going to dive into the DNA underneath the “traditional” family model. When caregivers have unhealed trauma, this most often means authoritarian parenting fails to provide the freedom for kids to learn and young adults to grow into their intrinsic personal power. We’ll examine cultural (not Biblical) faith-based parenting that creates family dysfunction and results in fractured relationships when, decades later, adult children exercise their delayed agency to address the lack of respect from their own parents. In extreme cases—caregivers with extreme trauma who develop a personality disorder—we see how patriarchy shapes this family model into a home where abuse and neglect run rampant.

The Low Show: March 5th in Colorado Springs

A deeply important space in my life has been a Scripture Circle I’ve belonged to for the past six years through Anam Cara Ministries. Some of my commonly used theological phrases come from Tara Owen’s deep wisdom—what the word “good” really means through the Hebrew word "Tov" (טוב), sacred generational trajectory, a whole body knowing like the Hebrew word Yada (יָדַע) and my favorite—that the Nile being turned to blood in Exodus 7 wasn’t punishment but revelation as the river reflected the reality of what it truly was—a grave sight for the babies.

Not only do I love Tara Owen’s teaching but I have benefitted from multiple ways Anam Cara connects people to spiritual community. On March 5th @ 7pm this incredible community will host Justin McRoberts and Scott Erickson for an evening of creativity, conversation, art, and real talk called The Low Show. Scott & Justin's recent book is called In The Low: Honest Prayers for Dark Seasons (A Collection of Meditations and Devotional Readings for Seasons of Depression). These kinds of honest conversations about how God works in the dark are so deeply important in our healing journey.