Reversal Relief

Reversal.

Living in the northern hemisphere, I have always cherished July’s long days. During summers home from college, I’d watch sunsets stretch across the big Texas sky over my small town, perched on my lifeguard stand and waiting for the clock hands to hit 9pm and set me free. Conversely, I consider Colorado’s short winter days a suffering to be endured. Earlier this week, the dimness of a partially-clouded sky served as a signal to remove my sunglasses. I was aghast when I looked at my watch and it was only 3:45pm. I quickly comforted myself by counting how many days left until December 21st, when the the amount of light would start its victorious reversal.

Relief.

As a trauma survivor, coming to the end of my rope is difficult to admit. Deaf to subtle whispers of tiredness in my spirit, I must often hit a wall in order to surrender to a limit. Natural, human weakness was a luxury I could not afford growing up, and powerlessness in the face of my weakness surfaces humiliation rather than honor.  As a result, the word relief has always carried shame. I am eager to feel relief if someone else’s sickness or an unchosen snow storm cancels my chaos, but stepping back from intensity for my own sake equates undignified failure. Wholeness for me has meant learning to appreciate relief when I’m weary rather than condemn myself for needing it.

Today’s night is the longest one of the year, which means tomorrow’s darkness will be diminished. Even though, apart from atomic clocks, it is an imperceptible three second difference, it begins a reversal of light that will build until it crescendos into the joy of a June 8:32pm sunset.

A mere three seconds. That’s all. That will be my hemisphere’s first deposit of relief.

But some of life’s most important events happen within the span of three seconds. Engagement rings are slipped onto fingers. Umbilical cords are cut. Unretractable, relationship-shattering sentences are spoken. Championship winning three-point shots leave a player’s hand and swoosh into a net. Three seconds of an awkward first kiss, an orgasm, a car crash or mocking laughter can alter the trajectory of our lives.  

We need to befriend darkness and make peace with our cosmic ache, but when we are tired of both, allowing ourselves to relax into the relief of three additional seconds of light and warmth is an act of courage. At least for me.

What is your relationship with relief and rest? Are they merciful gifts or indications of failure and unfaithfulness? What story of a life-altering, three-second event do you need to tell in order to let a sliver of additional light into your world?

Cosmic Ache

It’s ironically confusing how the most anticipated season of the year can hold the most heartache. For all the filling we do of stockings, tummies and calendars, there remains an inescapable emptiness we are required to reckon with.

This symphony of wise voices anchors and settles me in the elusiveness of the holidays:

In the words of Anglican priest and author Tish Harrison Warren:

To practice Advent is to lean into an almost cosmic ache: our deep, wordless desire for things to be made right and the incompleteness we find in the meantime.

In a section entitled “Loving our Longing” from his book Addictions and Grace, psychiatrist and spiritual counselor Gerald May wrote:

Human life is meant to contain yearning, incompleteness and lack of fulfillment. To claim our rightful place in destiny, we must not only accept, claim and affirm the sweetly painful incompleteness within ourselves, but also come to fall in love with it.

Finally, words from activist and novelist Anne Lamott:

Death is incredibly hard to bear, and we don’t get over losing people we love. We Christians like to think death is a major change of address, but the person will live again fully in your heart, at some point, if you don’t seal it off. Memories of the people you love will make you smile at inappropriate times, but their absence will also be a lifelong nightmare of homesickness for you.

How could making peace with abiding ache, incompleteness, and homesickness transform your posture towards yourself and others during this intense time of year? What childhood stories of intolerable heartache did you survived with a strategy of “filling”? How might returning to those stories lead you to a deeper soul rest as you make peace with emptiness?

Befriending Darkness

For a long time, I’ve considered the word darkness synonymous with evil, harm and trauma. But in the past few months, I’ve encountered a symphony of voices inviting me to reframe my posture towards what I avoid being overtaken by at all costs.

On New Year’s Eve, 2016, in her watch night speech entitled “Breathe and Push”, Valarie Kaur asked:

What if this darkness is not the darkness of the tomb, but the darkness of the womb? What if our America is not dead but a country that is waiting to be born? What if the story of America is one long labor? What if all of our grandfathers and grandmothers are standing behind now, those who survived occupation and genocide, slavery and Jim Crow, detentions and political assault? What if they are whispering in our ears “You are brave”? What if this is our nation’s greatest transition?

Robert Macfarlane in his book Underland: A Deep Time Journey, writes:

Since before we were Homo Sapiens, humans have been seeking out spaces of darkness in which to find and make meaning. It’s something seemingly paradoxical: that darkness might be a medium of vision, and that descent may be a movement toward revelation. Often, your mind is screaming at you not to enter this space, because it perceives it as a place of confinement and deprivation, but it can also be a place of discovery.

And this week I began reading Jan Richardson’s Advent guide entitled Night Visions.

We require darkness for birth and growth: the seed in the ground, the seed in the womb, the seed in our souls. Darkness bears the capacity for good. Our work is to name the darkness for what it is and find what it asks of us. We must wait for the darkness to teach us what we need to know.

What were some of the darkest seasons in your life growing up? What trauma was happening during those times? How did it condition you to fear the uncertain, the unknown, the unseeable? What story do you need to tell in order for this season of Advent and its accompanying longest nights of the year to become a time of birth, revelation, and learning?

The Cost of Admiration

Twice in the past two days I’ve encountered the word admired…

A dear, brave friend voicing a question reverberating around inside her like bellows bouncing off canyon walls:

 “Do I live in a way that chooses to be admired at the cost of feeling connected?”

 A narrator’s thoughts in Kristin Hannah’s novel The Nightingale: 

 “If I had told him the truth long ago, or had danced or drunk or sung more, may he would have seen ME more than a dependable, ordinary mother. He loves a version of me that is incomplete. I always thought it was what I wanted: to be loved and admired. Now I think perhaps I’d like to be known.”

I take note of these moments as someone also seeking to turn away from the instinct to impress that hinders me from closeness with others. After years in a family dynamic that bred competition with my own mother, the journey of surrendering the strategy of admiration has been long. Desperate for the fleeting sense of safety that came with having the upper-hand, even at the age of seven, it was always a catch 22. Neither the resentment that “winning” inevitably brought nor the humiliation that accompanied “losing” allowed me to draw close to my mom.

 Someone once said to me:

 “You are too good of a woman to invite people not to like you.”

That is what the quest for admiration, a rising above, invites--a distaste for and distance from the goodness of who we are.

How was being known and connected unavailable to you growing up?What traits or accomplishments were admired in your family culture? How was your unique form of “achievement” your best strategy for connection then, but now, years later, is actually sabotaging belonging?