I grew up the eldest daughter of a mother who suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder, so I have an intimate knowledge of the way shame and image are perched on opposing sides of a seesaw, always trying to counterbalance one another. My whole life my mother had a push pull with the ways I would shine—sometimes as a uniquely insightful child and often because, like all children, I was beautifully inquisitive, spiritually attuned, playfully creative, and generous with my affection. One minute she was proud of me, admiring the strong person I was, and the next she was disdainfully ridiculing my faults out of jealousy.
One of the hardest parts of having a parent with a personality disorder is learning to stay within what I call “the narrow bandwidth of existing.” You need to perform at a level high enough that it reflects well on them as a parent, but low enough that you don’t outshine them. They must stay the focus which means maintaining the gaze of others through their status, reputation and accomplishments. Like everything in their life, their child must contribute to the glow, but not to the degree that they distract others from their place on center stage. A borderline mother wants to feel like a good parent because she doesn’t feel good inside as a person. She wants to appear like a good mother, without actually having to mother.
When I became a mom at age 30, I felt this same pull from the residue of attachment to my mom’s unwellness. My whole life I have battled chronic shame.
For me chronic shame means that I measure my own value according to how others respond to me. That other may be a teacher, spouse, supervisor, client, friend at my gym or my kid’s coaches. I am unsure if I am good but I think others are, so I work hard to elicit a positive emotional response from them (admiration, respect, acceptance, desire, connection) so I can feel good about myself.
My heart, mind and body center other people as the foundation for my own existence.
Continued….